how do I stop this crazy train?

Sunday, March 13, 2011

flat finch's day at the beach

Out getting the "stache" some air!

Supervising the sandcastle building

She looks just like him!

enjoying some sunshine in Jacksonville and feeling slightly miffed that he forgot his speedo

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Fecal Fun

Fecal Fun
I am an admitted germaphobe but for the last few months I have been making serious efforts to let my child out of her sanitary bubble. I decided I didn’t want my daughter to grow up and be afraid of the world around her. One of the biggest steps I have taken has been letting my precious baby go into fast food play areas. I know what you are thinking, “why don’t you just let her lick a public toilet, it’s probably cleaner”? Generally I can sit there for 45 minutes with a slightly upset stomach watching her gleefully climb around in god knows what and then take her straight home and put her clothes in the wash and her in the tub.
Initially I would make a preliminary sweep of the play area, climbing through with a sanitizing wipe on each hand scrubbing any suspicious spots but alas I have gotten lazy and quit. Yesterday was cold and rainy and with it being a night week I had a lot of hours to fill for an energetic two year old so we met some friends at a place I will be referring to as Shmurger King so I won’t have to worry about any legal action. I cringed a little as our children climbed into the play area but they seemed so happy I tried not to think about the possible communicable diseases slimed all over the walls and floors. I looked at my friend and said “this was a good idea” and I think that was the kiss of death for fun time at Shmurger King. After about 15 minutes of play time my conversation was interrupted when I heard my little girl’s voice yell down to me “mommy, is this poop”? I love her dearly but at two she is not the most reliable source so my friend yells up to her much more reliable four year old “Ryan, is there poop in there”? A tiny “yes” echoed down to us and my friend shot up into play equipment with impressive speed. I immediately went into panic mode (which generally consists of me frozen with fear, unable to act). I stood at the bottom waiting to hear the adult verdict on the possible poo. Upon inspection it was indeed declared poo.
I went further into panic mode, still unable to move, but now vocalizing the fact that I was freaking out and felt like I needed to vomit. After a few minutes my brain started to function again and I sprung into action. I told Lauren to get out of the play area right that second, she of course answered with a firm no, because she is two and that is her initial response to everything. Once she saw the “crazy” in mommy’s eyes she started to make her way down and I bolted up to the front counter to report the incident. My report was met with blank stares. Then the 80 year old employee looked at the only other person working and said “I can’t get in there.” The only other employee who appeared to be nearly 400lbs said “I can’t get in there either.” The Shmurger King diet is obviously not as effective as the Subway diet. After a minute of more blank staring I said “just give me the cleaning supplies and I will take care of it.” That was a bad decision. Looking back I should have just stripped Lauren naked, sprayed her with Lysol, and gone straight home to burn her clothing. Since my friend was still in the play equipment she took the supplies (I certainly did not fight her for the honor) and went back up to remove the poop while I started the sanitization process. The most amazing thing to me was that there were other mothers there with their children watching this whole scene take place and no one seemed to be bothered in the slightest that someone had climbed into the play area, dropped their pants, and left a big steaming pile of hepatitis for other children to play in. Other than my friend and I not one person was dry heaving or freaking out, they just kept right on eating. They sat there chewing on their whoppers, watching as I threw my child’s socks away and rubbed her down in berry scented hand sanitizer.
As soon as we got home I put all of our clothes into the washing machine and Lauren into a bath. Did you know Dial makes an antibacterial body wash? If I were Oprah it would probably be on my favorite things list. Anyway, when it was finally my turn to shower I flipped on some Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and ran for my bathroom. I felt a little like a rape victim, you know how in the movies they are huddled in a hot shower scrubbing and scrubbing but never feeling clean? I swear for the rest of the day I could smell poop everywhere, it’s like it soaked into my skin. I think I have PTSD from the events of this day.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I love Michael Phelps

You'll get yours someday

Yesterday I took Lauren to the mall, it has been raining for a week now and frankly I had run out of things to do. I of course had to pee while we were there so I had my friend watch Lauren while I ran to the bathroom. I walked in and saw two 12-13 year olds (16 if you are from China) admiring themselves in the mirror. I did not make eye contact, the bathroom isn't really the place for that type of thing anyway, and ran into the nearest semi-clean-ish looking stall. As I am hovering there in my stall I heard the following conversation:

Idiot Girl #1: oh my god could you imagine if my boobs were like all saggy and stuff
Both Idiot Girls: *lots of laughter*
Idiot Girl #2: eww gross you mean like Ashley's Grandma?
Both Idiot Girls: *more laughter*

Me and my saggy titties hovered there in that stall fighting back the urge to whip up my granny panties and run out there screaming "YOU JUST WAIT IDIOT GIRLS, BREAST FEED A FEW KIDS AND IT WON'T BE NEARLY AS FUNNY!" I'm kind of a non-confrontational girl though so I just stayed in my stall until they left. I didn't think my fragile self esteem could handle it if they started pointing and laughing.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

White Trash

I am sure that the Pickett family is the talk of the neighborhood. Between the back porch littered with crap diapers tossed haphazardly out the back door (which stay there until there is no longer a clear path out of the back door) and all of the slightly faded primary colored out door toys (covered in spider webs because it is now too hot for mommy to play outside), and my ghetto garden (I have cleverly hidden all kinds of fruits and vegetables amongst my landscaping) I’m sure there is a collection being taken up between our neighbors to purchase a fence for the Pickett family. Last night Lauren put the icing on the cake while she was outside happily playing and Michael was preparing the grill to cook our steaks. He stepped in for just a moment to grab the steaks and when he opened the door to go back outside I could hear my newly potty trained daughter yelling something about peeing in the grass. Praying she was kidding I went to the back door to investigate. She was not kidding. I saw that my child had removed her underwear (they were tossed on the ground next to her) and was squatting in the lawn taking a leak. I’m sure she thought if it was good enough for the dog it was good enough for her. I watched her finish up and go on about her business and as I am yelling at her to bring me her panties I look up and see my neighbor standing at the end of her driveway staring at us. I just smiled (ashamed and speechless) and Michael piped up with “this is our idea of potty training.” Brilliant. I am expecting to find in my mailbox a petition for our removal from the neighborhood signed by all of my classy neighbors any day now. They probably think I am running a meth lab in my kitchen to pay the mortgage on this beautiful house. Is it worth pointing out how green it is to pee outside and save a flush?

Thursday, May 22, 2008


i can just picture it now, my house is burning all around me and i'm running for the phonebook to see who to call... great job oklahoma!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Guess what...

May is pregnancy awareness month. This made me giggle a little. Anyone out there not aware that they are pregnant? Should we all go pee on a stick just to make sure we have nothing to be aware of? Why don't they encourage awareness of useful things like camel toe or body odor?

Quarter-life Crisis- I am Allergic to Minivans

Let me begin by saying that I am not aging gracefully; I am being pulled kicking and screaming into most areas of adulthood (in fact I am opposed to almost every aspect aside from the ability to drink legally). I do not want to get old and I guess I figured that denial was enough to keep me youthful until an ill-fated shopping trip last week. I was in the Gap dressing room trying on some fun and youthful outfits when I jokingly made a comment to the male dressing room attendant about feeling old. After which he said “oh I wouldn’t put you at a day past 28.” I am 26, 26 years old. Fighting back tears I politely thanked him and left the store so I could go and cry alone in my car. I thought I was doing a good job looking even younger than my actual age by shopping in the junior’s section and listening to pop music. Apparently I just look like an aging hag desperately trying to cling to her youth by shopping in the juniors section, listening to pop music, and texting things like “OMG” or “LMAO.” This guy probably thought he would guess low in an attempt to lift my spirits which means my actual perceived age is probably closer to forty. I was faced with a pivotal choice, do I give up and switch over to a soft rock station, throw out all of my thongs and start wearing tapered jeans or do I plunge myself even further into denial and avoidance? I choose the latter dammit! I will not go down without a fight! It will take a lot more than one nasty comment to pop my denial balloon! I have convinced myself that if I grow my hair out and lose 10 pounds the stress and strain of child birth, rearing, and a few too many nights spent wrapped around a toilet will be wiped away and I can once again be “like a virgin, touched for the very first time.” I suppose I should stop referencing 80’s pop culture as well.
In addition to dropping the weight I think I have subconsciously convinced myself that dropping two doors will further enhance my youthfulness. Last night we went down to the Honda dealership to look for something to replace Michael’s gas-guzzling-ozone-hole-increasing beast of a vehicle. We went looking for a bottom of the line Civic just to get him to and from work and I left completely enamored with a two door Accord. I borrowed it all day today just to see how much trouble it would really be to get Lauren in and out of. It is actually not that bad and I have decided that my coupe is like a really great pair of heels, a little pain is worth a lot of cute!

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

4 sell?

God I love this town and all of its simple people...