how do I stop this crazy train?

Thursday, July 10, 2008

White Trash

I am sure that the Pickett family is the talk of the neighborhood. Between the back porch littered with crap diapers tossed haphazardly out the back door (which stay there until there is no longer a clear path out of the back door) and all of the slightly faded primary colored out door toys (covered in spider webs because it is now too hot for mommy to play outside), and my ghetto garden (I have cleverly hidden all kinds of fruits and vegetables amongst my landscaping) I’m sure there is a collection being taken up between our neighbors to purchase a fence for the Pickett family. Last night Lauren put the icing on the cake while she was outside happily playing and Michael was preparing the grill to cook our steaks. He stepped in for just a moment to grab the steaks and when he opened the door to go back outside I could hear my newly potty trained daughter yelling something about peeing in the grass. Praying she was kidding I went to the back door to investigate. She was not kidding. I saw that my child had removed her underwear (they were tossed on the ground next to her) and was squatting in the lawn taking a leak. I’m sure she thought if it was good enough for the dog it was good enough for her. I watched her finish up and go on about her business and as I am yelling at her to bring me her panties I look up and see my neighbor standing at the end of her driveway staring at us. I just smiled (ashamed and speechless) and Michael piped up with “this is our idea of potty training.” Brilliant. I am expecting to find in my mailbox a petition for our removal from the neighborhood signed by all of my classy neighbors any day now. They probably think I am running a meth lab in my kitchen to pay the mortgage on this beautiful house. Is it worth pointing out how green it is to pee outside and save a flush?