Sin City

Ahh Vegas, the land of Barbie like breasts, fanny packs, Speedos, and a few to many man-capris. The trip started out on a bad note as my parents had to pry my daughter out of my hands. I had been holding her and sobbing for at least an hour and she was getting annoyed. I had never even left her for more than an hour prior to this trip out west. I get on the plane with a constant feeling like I had forgotten something (probably be because I didn’t have a diaper bag, stroller, carryon, pack-n-play, etc.) I’m a nervous flyer anyway, add to this the hysterics involved in leaving my first-born and as you can imagine I am a total wreck. Somewhere in the process of getting to Vegas I lost my father’s cell phone which I had borrowed so I could call Lauren every 5 seconds without wasting any minutes. I flashed back to being 16 again as I called every lost and found repeating, “umm hi, I lost my dad’s cell phone.” I’m not really a Vegas kind of gal, call me crazy but, I’ve really never liked gambling, female nudity or protitution. I was amazed at what falls into the “uniform” category when it comes to being a professional cocktail waitress. Apparently they hand out the breasts with the flashy bathing suits, support hose, and heals. As I passed one on the way to breakfast at 8:30am I thanked God that I had had the opportunity to go to college (and graduate, even if it was the 6 year plan). I never ever want a job that requires shaving or waxing my bikini line, no thanks, I’ve got better things to do with my time. Things were going great, Michael showed me how to work the slot machines and I won $50. I was even thinking that maybe I might feel like doing “the deed” and then I felt a weird twinge in my nether region. I tried to ignore it, I thought maybe it was all the greasy food washed down by more alcohol than I had consumed in the last year and a half. Little did I know that this little twinge would be a defining moment of this trip, the end of my desire to get my “freak on” and the beginning of (gasp) my period. Yep, after nearly 18 months the red visitor decided to rear its ugly head on my romantic getaway. I’m still not sure if this was truly the worst one of my life or if I had just forgotten what all the red visitor brought with him. I paid $8 for a bottle of Aleve and $9 for a box of 10 cardboard encased tampons (which I absolutely loathe, why don’t I just role up a sheet of sand paper and shove it up my whowho) I felt like absolute crap and I laid in the hotel bed until it was time for the show we had already purchased tickets for. I was in no condition to be attending a show but for what we paid for those tickets I managed to rouse myself from the uncomfortable bed, wash down two more Aleve with my long island from earlier, and head out the door. In the middle of the show, being the hypochondriac that I am, I thought to myself “I must be having a miscarriage this feels like contractions not cramps.” I was sweating and uncomfortable and wanted nothing more than to slide out of my chair to the floor and curl up in a ball. I sat there suffering for what felt like an eternity watching men in tights throw men in thongs around like monkeys flinging poo. After two days of popping Aleve and Imodium like tic tacs I had managed to weather the storm just in time to head home. To cheer myself we did a little shopping just before heading to the airport. We spent just over $150 and left the bags in the cab we took to the airport. I never located my dad’s cell phone, some Indian cab driver is wearing two very expensive golf shirts and his daughter is probably wearing some really cute outfits from the baby gap, and the icing on my little cupcake… I’m back in the saddle again. I was just relieved to get home and see my baby!

The Splatter Factor

Let me start at the beginning. Michael and I decided that it would be a great idea to leave San Mexico oops I mean San Antonio around 7:30pm and just drive through the night. The basis for the idea was good but the reality was a whole other thing. We figured that Lauren would sleep most of the time while I drove the car and it would be cooler so Michael’s jeep wouldn’t overheat while pulling the trailer, and there would be less traffic. The reality is I am way to old for that all-nighter shit and road tripping with Michael is way too reminiscent of road tripping with my father. Road tripping with dad consisted of very few bathroom breaks. However, when my little brother and I would start fighting, he would occasionally offer to pull over the car (this was never good, you never wanted dad to pull over the car). We would either get the offer for him to pull over or he would simply start flailing one arm behind him while keeping one hand firmly on the wheel, meanwhile my brother and I would be pinned to either side of the car being sure to stay out of the way of that flailing arm. The crazy arm isn’t the part about road tripping with Michael that reminds me of dear ol’ dad, it’s the minimal bathroom stops. Unlike my father, Michael will actually pull over but not without giving me the disappointed face. I hate that face. Michael is hardcore; I’ve even seen him pee in a big gulp cup while driving. I’m just not that talented. I need a place to squat be it a roadside port-a-potty, or a patch of grass behind a bush, I just need a place. I thought any old place would do until the night we drove from San Mexico to the great state of Oklahoma. Anyway, we started out on the open road at 7:30pm as planned and about one bottle of water and two energy drinks later, I was about to have an accident on my pretty leather seat. I radioed Michael and let him know that I “kind of had to pee a little, but I could hold it for a while if he needed me to.” I tried not to let on to the severity of the situation in hopes of avoiding the disappointed face, or in this case, the disappointed voice. Thankfully for me his check engine light came on shortly there after and I rejoiced as I realized that we were going to have to pull over, it wasn’t my fault, and I could quit holding myself and just find a place to go wherever we stopped. He stopped right on the side of the road. Not a bush, a descent sized shrub, or any kind of an obstruction anywhere in site. I couldn’t wait, I had no choice, I grabbed one of Lauren’s butt wipes and hopped out of the car. Let me just say that I am not afraid to squat in the woods, I like to hunt and fish so peeing in the woods is nothing new to me. But as I stood on the side of the road looking for a “place” I realized that the grass was knee high and it was completely dark so I had no way of scanning the chosen area for bugs or rodents. Bugs on my special places is probably one of my greatest fears so after taking careful inventory of the situation, I determined that the best place was right where I was standing, on the asphalt. While peeing outside was nothing new, peeing on asphalt and the “splatter factor” where. I yanked down my pants, butt wipe in hand, and started to go. Wearing only cute flip-flops and capris I instantly felt moisture on my feet and ankles. I couldn’t stop so I just tried to readjust midstream to no avail. I gave up and decided I was just going to have to pee on myself as I watched as little river begin to flow from between my feet. About that time I looked up to see my husband standing in front of me with his hands on his hips. I said “could you please not stare, it makes me uncomfortable.” He just stood there looking at me and finally piped up with “wow, you really had to go.” I thought to myself “no, really I am just an exhibitionist with a flair for golden showers, of course I really have to go but you staring is not helping.” In an effort to maintain harmony between us on this long night I just smiled up at him and said “yep.” I was reminded of the “splatter factor” the rest of the way to Oklahoma as I drove on through the night waiting for my flip-flops to dry and trying to decided if they were worth saving or if I should just give up and throw them away. Thankfully I saved them because the next day Michael slipped them on to run outside for a second, now it was my turn to point and laugh. I stood there giggling as I casually mentioned that those were the flip-flops I peed on.

YAY!

we finally have internet again! of course while i was away about a hundred funny things happened that i need to blog about.... but i dont have time right now. lauren is having a bad day... her top two teeth are coming in and she is being a bear!!! but she is so adorable, even grumpy.

Addicted

bless you hotmail people and bless you kind library people with your high speed free internet! it has been a rough few days without access to my life's blood, my constant sidekick and source of much entertainment and distraction, my computer. oh how i have missed this. the feel of the keys beneath my finger tips click clacking away, its like music to my ears! i was ok for the first two days, just minor shakes and dizzy spells but by the third day it was just like you see on tv. i was rolling around on our bed screaming cuss words and throwing up. finally 6 DAYS later my husband carried my lifeless body down here to the library and propped me up in front of a computer. i can feel the blood starting to flow again, i think ill be able to eat and im actually smiling. more to come....

Hamburglar?

today i made one final trip to the dollar store (but wait, that's not the funny part). i swear i just needed steel wool to clean out our oven because we are moving AGAIN tomorrow. Anyway, I have started traveling around with the camera in my purse, in case my daughter does something adorable. we only have like 10 billion pictures so far i would hate to miss a kodak moment (little side trip here- does any one else think of cindy lauper when they hear kodak? remember that commercial with "i see your true colors shining through..." alright maybe i am nuts). so i run into the dollar store seeking wool of steel and as i passed by the soap dishes i had to stop and take a second look. were those real half-eaten hamburgers displayed with pride? yes, yes they were. it was at this point that i realized that this was another sign that i do not belong in this store. nevermind the attractive price, everytime i walk through those doors it eats a little bit of my soul. i snapped a picture because i thought it would really add to this little story...

Something new...

Lauren is FINALLY crawling! YAY! Mommy was starting to get worried, alright not really but it is so hard not to get wrapped up in this comparing thing (thanks becca-jk) I swore I wouldn't compare but I do and then I find myself making excuses for her like, well she was born 3 weeks early so she should get an extra 3 weeks to do everything, maybe she just doesn't feel like it, it probably doesn't help that she has got me wrapped around her chubby little finger and her cries make my heart ache so I pick her up or hand her what she is reaching for... Anyway no more excuses (for a little while) and something new to look at Katie- sorry about the weewee.