how do I stop this crazy train?

Thursday, May 31, 2007

My P.S.A.

Did you know that an itchy boob can be a symptom of cancer? For whatever reason I feel like everyone should know about this! My boob (yep only one, the right one to be exact) has been itching like crazy for a while now. This of course has led to some awkward moments as you can imagine... For instance one night Michael and I were just lying in bed watching the news and he thought I was trying to proposition him when it was really just innocent itching. Anyway, I had to go to the doctor to change my birth control pills (the last ones were turning me into emotional, crazy, on the verge of a meltdown lady) so I figured I would casually mention the itchy boob thing. As it turns out an itchy boob can be one of the first symptoms of at certain kind of breast cancer (this is not the sort of thing you tell a hypochondriac). I started to panic; certain that I was dying and worried that Lauren would not remember me at all. However, after careful examination it turns out that I just have an itchy boob and my doctor probably thinks I'm a freak that gets my kicks from making up excuses to have him fondle me. Oh well.

Oh and if any of you will be traveling soon not only can you only carry on less than 2oz of liquid it now also needs to be inside of a ziploc baggie. I could have punched the security guard (dirty hooker) in the face as I watched her heartlessly toss my good bath and body works hand sanitizer into the trash. I NEEDED my germ killer, especially in a crowed place like an airport or a plane and I certainly needed it while visiting a foriegn country that has God knows what kinds of weird kooties and germs (and this is not just the hypochondriac speaking, lots of people are addicted to hand sanitizer right?). I don't understand how a ziploc baggie is going to aid in our fight against terroism. Can someone explain this to me? If it were a bomb wouldn't it go through a baggie? If it were gas or acid or something couldn't I just remove it from the protective baggie once I was on board? Is it to give the flight crew an extra second to react and mase me before I pull my sanitizer out of it's protective baggie? IDIOTS!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

It's been a while

what a lovely shade of blue-green water

getting used to being alone again
sailing with captain pickett
But I am just full of good excuses! First, my child requires no less than 100% of my attention 100% of the time which leaves me doing everything else necessary for the house and myself during nap time. Nap time is just never long enough and now that my little angel has moved the only ONE nap a day my free time is fleeting. In addition to the need for a shower and a clean house out weighing the need to blog we have also been out of country recently! After two long years I finally got my honeymoon! WOO-HOO! Let me just say it is not the same two years later and I am angry that no one warned me about this before I left! There were a few obvious differences between the other real honeymooners and myself. As I sat on the beach desperately soaking up as much sun as possibly (mainly because I truly believe that tan fat looks more attractive than pasty white fat) I looked around and saw their cute little bikinis barely covering their special private areas that have never had to accommodate another human being. Then I looked down at my own body which has not only participated in giving birth but looks more like a mac truck was driven over it. Instead of their taught abs I have what appears to be ground beef (which I was busy trying to tan) hiding my sexy six-pack. As I was staring at these women with 0% body fat I couldn't help but notice that after two years of marriage the P.D.A. definitely takes a nose dive. I started to get sick to my stomach watching all the "I love you the most *smooch*, no I love you the most *smooch*, etc... Go to your frickin room already. Aside from the obvious there were other differences that I wasn't expecting. It seemed like we stepped off the bus at the resort and just sort of stared at one another. This strange silence continued for a couple of days. We managed to fill that empty silence with light bickering about ridiculous things. For instance, he thought the ocean was a lovely shade of green and I believed it was a stunning shade of blue. This actually came up a couple of times until we traded sunglasses and discovered we were both right. After a day or two I realized that we really haven't had to "just talk" or be "alone" in nearly a year and a half. We didn't know what to do with each other. Why didn't anyone warn me? It took about three days to really start enjoying each other's company again and not be weirded out by it just being the two of us (no diaper bag, macaroni and cheese, screaming, bath time involving toys and splashing, diaper changes etc...) We could sit and enjoy a lengthy dinner. No more inhaling my food while exhausting every avenue to keep Lauren from making a scene. We could watch TV, real TV, NO DOODLEBOPS! We could even *gasp* enjoy an adult beverage without guilt (I always fear that the one night I get toasted Lauren will need to go to the hospital and they will think mommy's an alcoholic and start filing the necessary paperwork). Anyway, overall it was a wonderful trip (aside from the airport security in the Bahamas- more to come on this later)!