how do I stop this crazy train?

Monday, July 31, 2006

other sea world perks

two tickets to sea world: free because my husband is a hero, dinner with shamu: $65, A whale magnet, a t-shirt for miss thang, and a bottle of water $25, free beer and seeing a giant clydesdale wee wee: priceless.... and well worth the trip lol

of course mr maturity thought it was awful that i was snapping pictures in between fits of laughter. he wouldnt even stand next to me! but i just kept picturing my mother's face when i sent her this picture and i couldnt help myself!

Sea World

the day started out well but quickly turned sour as lauren quickly expressed her hatred of sunsafe head coverings

even without the hat lauren was quite obviously unimpressed by the sea life

she did manage to perk up when the free beer was served, as did we!

she may not look a thing like me or share my affinity for hats but she IS mine i swear!

Friday, July 28, 2006

April's favorite things!

The best postnatal workout DVD I have found, and I have quite a few! I LOVE IT! I love it because it is divided into sections that get increasingly more difficult so I can work up to the last one since I am not really in shape. Also, the first segment is only ten minutes long, the second is 15 min. You can do them with or without weights and you can even do the first one without shoes. I used to skip workouts if I didn't have a full 45 minutes to an hour to devote to them but I can usually spare 10-15 minutes even on my most busy days. I am not that coordinated so I love that it's not a bunch of crazy dance moves but at the end I am shaking everytime! I also just love Cindy Crawford's honesty. You get to see her in sweats and pjs! It just makes her a little bit more human. I ordered the dvd after I read that her trainer in this video had gained 80 lbs during her pregnancy before she gave birth to twins and managed to whip herself back into shape. I won't get specific but I also gained a pretty good amount of weight and it gave me hope! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel... now if i could just put down the chocolate I think things would go much quicker!

My all time favorite books are written by Laurie Notaro. This is her first book and probably my favorite! Great comic relief and my inspiration!!!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

The Brazilian and my not-so-private private parts

I had heard about Brazilian bikini waxes on television and I thought to myself, "wow, that would be a special treat for my Michael." I called up my favorite salon to see if they offered this “service.” They did and I proceeded to book myself an appointment to be waxed bare. While making the appointment the woman explained that I would need to have at least 3-4 weeks worth of growth in order to have a successful wax. My first thought was, eww, but then I thought surely it would all be worth it in the end, alright I’ll do it. Not wanting to go it alone I managed to sucker one of my good friends into getting a Brazilian as well. She wasn’t the only one I approached, but the only one that agreed to accompany me on my quest to be bald. I decided I wanted to surprise Michael so I am sure he was baffled by the animalistic look my privates had taken on but God bless his little heart he never said a word. Finally the day of the appointment came. I gathered all the courage I could, downed a couple of prescription painkillers, and headed out to the salon. I was checked in and led down to the basement. How nice, I thought; maybe no one can hear you scream down here. I had agreed to go first since it was my idea. I was ushered into a small, dimly lit room by my waxer woman. I thought to myself, is this supposed to be romantic or relaxing and doesn’t she need more light to see where to wax? Instantly I get nervous so I start babbling because that’s what I do, nonstop chatter about nothing particularly important. “Well this is nice, it sure smells good in here, those are great curtains, gosh I really hope this isn’t going to be to painful, have you been doing this for a while, is this what your aptitude tests suggested you would be good at…” She replies “ok let’s make sure you have enough growth before we get started.” Well that was fast, I knew that at some point it would come to this, but I just assumed we’d get to know each other better before I exposed my most private part. I channeled my inner strength and began my “be brave you can do it” mantra. I grabbed a hold of my pants and my panties and pulled them down just enough to expose the very tippy top of what I believed were extremely hairy privates. “Nope, that’s not enough” she said “it needs to look like this” and with that she pulled down her pants and panties. Instantly my inner mantra turns to “be mature be mature be mature” and I started having a flashback to a porn, circa 1970, I had seen at a party once. My mouth didn’t drop open but I could feel my face getting flushed as I said “oh okay I understand.” So I made another appointment and two weeks later I drug my friend back to the salon with me. This time I was feeling slightly more confident thinking I knew what to expect and I felt closer to my waxer woman after our “bonding moment.” So I undressed, hopped on the table and started talking (I was still just a little bit nervous, I’ve never been one for pain). She explained what she was going to do and went to work on my privates. She pulled the first strip and I felt pain like I had never imagined, I could feel the beginnings of tears burning in the corner of my eyes. I knew I needed to suck it up, I’m sure most people don’t cry on the table and it’s not like I could get up and leave with only one strip missing from my overgrown privates. I tried deep breathing, meditation, finding a happy place, but nothing could rescue me from the searing pain as the hair was ripped from my privates (think 40 year old virgin- ohhh Kelly Clarkson). I knew that Brazilian meant completely bare but I wasn’t expecting the amount of completeness that this woman provided. Right when I was praising the good Lord for helping me through this, thinking it was over, she says “ alright, flip over, I need you on your knees and elbows, with your legs spread.” At a near loss for words I managed to mumble, “well at least I’m pretty familiar with this pose.” She wasn’t laughing and neither was I as I felt the warm wax being spread onto parts that had never seen the light of day. Other than the obvious humiliation factor that part wasn’t even as bad as the other part. Once she was satisfied that I was completely hair-free I was allowed to redress and go back upstairs. I felt like everyone was staring at me like there was a television in the waiting room with live feed from my room downstairs. The worst part was looking my friend in the eye and telling her that “it wasn’t that bad.” The results were less than ideal to say the least. I was sore for days and even after careful exfoliation, my privates ended up covered in red dots, the exact opposite of sexy. Michael was impressed with my pain tolerance but not my privates. My advice for other first timers considering the Brazilian: don’t take the word “bare” lightly, leave all dignity at the door, and taking painkillers beforehand doesn’t even put a dent in the pain so forget about it.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

2 + 2

i had an epiphany. the gross butterflies are the source of my annoying bird problem (which is dangerous i might add, bird flu anyone?) the butterflies are everywhere but seem to be really thick in a tree right off of our "porch" i do not know why it did not occur to me before that this tree is serving as a yummy butterfly buffet for every bird in this state. i risked life and limb to try and capture the infestation on film...

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Boycott Birdhouses!

Today while I was trying to enjoy Lauren’s naptime I realized that I was having to strain to hear the man on Oprah talk about being with 25 partners while out of his mind on crystal meth (extremely captivating for some reason). He was trying to explain the whole situation to Oprah. Apparently, while high, he frequented “bath houses” where “bare backing was the norm.” This of course led to an awkward moment where sweet lil Oprah asked what bare backing was (I cringed and thought surely he wouldn’t explain that on daytime TV, but he sure did). As he explained matter-of-factly that it was anal sex with no condom the look on Oprah’s face was priceless! As I thought to myself, could this get any better??? it sounded like an entire flock of musically inclined birds had taken up residence on our 3’X4’ “porch.” I was instantly annoyed but made no move to investigate since we were in code magenta (over 95 degrees I have labeled as code magenta) and not yet to a commercial break. During code magenta I make no frivolous trips outside. In fact I make no trips outside of the air-conditioned comfort of my crummy apartment unless making a mad dash for my air-conditioned car while trying not to sweat off my prettiness (makeup). So I cranked the television volume up to 40 and tried to peek out of the sliding glass door during commercial breaks. I wish I had a red rider bb gun! I could rock their little worlds from the comfort of my $5 lawn chair (which is inside because we are rarely out of code magenta during normal sitting hours. I now know that I will never own a birdhouse. I am just not one of those types. I think that birds sound annoying (especially in large quantities) and it completely escapes me why someone would want to pay money so that they can attract the annoyingly loud, dirty things to their yard. I think my daughter is going to be screwed up unless I find someone to show her what real girliness is. I think butterflies are disgusting (another epidemic down here right now, what the hell is this place?). I run from them like they are poisonous (making a complete ass of myself and scaring my child). I have never been really into ponies and hearts. I went horseback riding once at summer camp and all I could think about was the fact that I was probably going to have to throw away my favorite pair of tapered levis because I was certain that the smell would never come out. I guess I could just learn to braid and call it good, how damaged could she be just by missing out on a few of the typical girly things?

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Does this really happen to other people?

I’m starting to think I have karma issues... So the other day Lauren and I are leaving the dollar store (stop laughing you snotty bitches it is one of my weird/sick/sad guilty pleasures) Lauren was in her bucket carseat thank god or she probably would not still be with us (bless her chunky little heart she's still got two pounds left in that thing). I started walking down the aisle that our car was parked in trying to enjoy the day, suck in my stomach, and not sweat while carrying my increasingly heavy child and we got hit by a car. No seriously, a bright red minivan backed into us (this is the part where I have a hard time believing that this really happens to other people). I was looking the other direction and then all of a sudden I hit something with Lauren’s bucket. I thought to myself "well that’s weird I thought I was walking in the middle where cars were not parked" then I noticed where the bucket had taken a chunk of pretty red paint right off this car and my next thought was "oh shit, am I going to get in trouble for this" (like a fun trip down memory lane, I was so bad when I was younger and certain "activities" would make me even more paranoid- call me if you want the full story) I still had not realized that it was the car that had hit us not the other way around. Still trying to figure out in my head if I should report myself or leave the scene I look in the van to see if there was anyone in it (this being the deciding factor on whether or not to flee). At this point I realized that I was in the middle of the road, there was a woman in the van, she had backed into me, and she was now hauling ass out of the parking lot. It really came in a flood like that and I had to sit in the car for a moment digesting everything. Once it was all digested and I knew Lauren was ok I was really glad that we had managed to take a chunk out of that murderous bitch's paint job. For some reason I had this picture in my head that minivan people were these cautious, mature, parents, who drove with care because of "the kids." The same people, who in my old neighborhood growing up, would stand out in their yards screaming for me to slow down as I smiled and waved my middle finger at them. This image was shattered the day Lauren and I were run over. I now see them as the enemy and I am on the constant look out for minivans and I would encourage you to do the same! Lysandra don't do it! Don't join the dark side!

Monday, July 17, 2006

above average for a moment

how bad is it to lie (only by omission) to your husband to make yourself appear smarter? last night we were sitting on the couch watching television and i gave michael the remote since i get to be "remote master" all day (i figured i could relinquish control for one hour). so he stops on the world series of pop culture game show which i had already seen earlier in the day. i love this show because i truly believe that i am a "pop princess" and honest to god i really do know about 40% of the answers. so as the girl on television goes to say the answer to question one i scream it out before her, getting it right of course, having heard all of the answers earlier. i almost turned to michael to tell him that i had already seen this before but at that same moment he was saying how he couldn’t believe that i knew that answer. i am a compliment whore. i love it when he is impressed with me so much that i just sat there waiting to answer the next question. now there is a certain amount of smarts involved here because i did have to recall answers that i had only heard once but probably not as much smarts as what he was giving me credit for. the more i answered correctly the more impressed he was and the more i ate it up! i was loving it so much in fact that i ran to our bedroom during a commercial to sneak a phone call to my mother to brag on myself. she was not nearly as amused as i was. naturally, being the skilled conwoman that i am, i made sure to get one wrong here and there to make myself even more believable. he kept saying "wow honey im so impressed that you know this stuff, that is amazing, how did you know that one" etc... when i looked into those baby browns, he was looking at me like i had just found a cure for cancer and won a marathon all in the same day. i saw sheer amazement and awe cover his handsome little face and i loved it, even if it was just over useless pop culture knowledge, i never wanted to leave that moment. for that moment he was looking at me like i was above average and near genious. i would do almost anything for that look, so i still have yet to let the truth cat out of the bag. how fast would i go to hell if i never mentioned it?

fish lips

please tell me this is a phase! she does it all the time. it makes me laugh so hard i can barely hold the camera still!

ps katie- those pictures of me were from when bo was a baby, long before lauren... i dont want to be accused of misrepresentation so i have included a real, unaltered, recent picture lol the only plus side to weight gain... my boobs are bigger

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Mister Michael Bojangles

who just goes by Bo or Bubba only if Michael is not around to hear it. For some reason me calling him Bubba bothers him. He thinks Bo is going to get confused about what his name is ;) Bo is a maltese/poodle mix. He is five whole pounds of pure muscle and brawn. He got a bad hair cut today, they wacked off his ear hair and Michael is going to freak because he looks kind of girly now. Michael is very particular about that kind of thing, he hates it when Bo wears his sweaters. Nevermind the fact that Bo is a 5lb purse dog...

my first baby!


it took him a long time to be able to get up and down stairs

a bad ear cut!

A series of unfortunate events

I am having a bad day. Let me start this by saying that Lauren woke up at 5 AM this morning and it is 105 degrees outside. We have had the talk before about how people who get up early on Saturdays go to hell but I think she wasn’t quite able to grasp the concept. When I say Lauren got up of course I mean we got up. So that was the start and it only went down hill from there (literally). Michael is gone working (allegedly anyway) in Florida and I am here with Lauren and Bo. Bo had an appointment at the beauty shop at 9am so I played on the Internet and hung out with my little early bird until about 8:50am before I started loading everyone up. I managed to get Lauren in the car without issue and then I went back for Bo who was just finishing up leaving a comment in the grassy comment box in front of the car. It is slightly validating for me to not pick up the poo because I hate it here so much (this was the high point of my day). Every time I see the little guy all hunched up it brings a smile to my face. Anyway, there is a slight hill getting to the car and I guess the sprinklers had just been on because the grass was still wet. I picked Bo up and started down to the car. Suddenly one of my pretty black flip-flops came flying out in front of me and I tumbled down the grassy knoll dog in hand. We were both a little shook up but ok, unfortunately (this would have been a much better story if something were pulled or some blood were spilled). I yelled a few dirty words and other than some bruised pride and a sore hiney we were ok. Now I was covered in grass and mud, wearing my husbands t-shirt and his shorts with no bra and no shower but I pressed on, trying to be positive, thinking it could only go up from here. I came home showered and got dressed (meaning I took off his shorts and put on a pair of my own and threw on an ill fitting bra). I decided against makeup (and shaving my legs for that matter) since Michael was not home and the only thing on the agenda was Wal-Mart. So after I got all dolled up we headed off to Wal-Mart where I was able to shop looking like I had been hit by a Mac truck and not even get a second look. You check your pride at the door when entering Wal-Mart, what could they say? As I was pushing my cart full of my daughter and a bunch of things I never knew I needed I heard someone whistle at me. I thought to myself “ahh yes, I’ve still got it.” I turned around to smile an appreciative smile and maybe even give a little finger wave of no thanks when I realized it was just a man trying to sell some newspapers. So I do not “still have it” and I gave up hope that this day would ever get better.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Sexual Misadventure

no, no pictures... you will just have to use your imagination! i am only posting this because i am absolutely certain that neither of my parents has any knowledge of this page whatsoever. so in an effort to return to my much missed prebaby body i bought carmen electra's strip aerobics (mistake number one). it is a good workout, tastefully done etc... but my advice to you would be to never buy a workout led by a bunch of women significantly more attractive than you. i like to walk away from a workout feeling good about myself. i spend an hour staring at carmen electra's big fake boobs and sexy strip tease moves then as i undress to shower i look in the mirror (mistake number two) and i just dont get that warm fuzzy. anyway back to the point, doing these workouts had given me a false sense of reality as i actually started thinking that when i "dance" i to, am sexy like miss electra. so the other night i was on the computer (lauren was sleeping for those of you about to call child services) and michael came and sat on the floor (we dont have much furniture here) next to me with his back against the wall. as i looked at him sitting there on the floor the idea pops into my head that this would be a perfect time to debut some of my "moves." (that was mistake 3 for those of you keeping track) so im really getting into my routine and i bend over to do my "bent over butt rolls" (mistake 4) still thinking in my head "damn i am being so sexy right now" as i made one last loop, the junk in my trunk, if you will, knocks michael's chin pretty hard (final mistake). this caused a chain reaction, his teeth slammed together and his head crashed into the wall with a rather loud thud. thus bringing the end of my "sexy moment" and any dream i may have ever held of one day doing a sexy striptease for my husband. sorry if i made any of you throw up a little in your mouth with my over the top honesty...

Thursday, July 13, 2006


i managed to capture lauren saying her newest word "dada" today! she can say mama and baba as well ;)click on dada and it will take you to the video!

Lauren's pretty new dress, I need a hobby... Anyway I'm already planning "Lauren's Luau" lol That will be the theme for her first birthday. Hopefully the dress will still fit. If not I'm thinking bikini and a grass skirt!

let's get physical!

lauren and i went to the gym with grandma (only because she was teaching) and naturally i snapped some pics!


Today I experienced what has to be one of the best feelings in the world. I’m driving down the highway doing the typical 7 mph over the speed limit (because in my head I really don’t think that this speed warrants being pulled over, I mean really what’s seven measly little mph?). I’m having a good day. The sun is shining. I skipped lunch so I’m feeling skinny (well slightly smaller than usual anyway). My favorite song is on the radio, which I am trying desperately to sing along with although I do not know the words nor do I have any kind of singing ability (which is also why I only torture my child, my little one person captive audience, with my crooning). Anyway, I’m driving along when all of a sudden I notice a state trooper on the side of the highway. Like everyone else in this situation I slam on the brakes (why don’t we just throw a sign up in our rear window that says “hey I was totally speeding”). I think to myself “oh dear Jesus, not the state troopers, I just don’t know if I can talk my way out of this one (those freakishly straight brimmed hats just scream don’t even try it). I’ve gotten pretty good with the local police but that was all before I had a child. I don’t know if the ol’ “pretty smile and a flirtatious ditzy laugh” thing works anymore when you have a car seat in the back and I’m not sure how much cleavage I could muster in one of these sexy nursing bras. So now I’m freaking out staring into my rearview mirror and bargaining with God. I see the state trooper pull onto the highway with what appeared to be a little bit of a cocky attitude and I just know that this is the end of the road for me. Apparently the idiot behind me also thought this was the end of the road for him to because we both began exiting the highway. I thought the idiot behind me was just trying to get out of Mr. State Trooper’s way. Now the three of us are all parked on the side of the highway but I notice Mr. State Trooper is making no effort to pass the idiot and that my friends, has got to be one of the best feelings in the world. To sincerely believe that your ass is on the line only to find it is the idiot behind you who is about to get it. What a release! What an incredible feeling! If I would have had a cigarette I might have sat there and smoked it while looking lovingly in my rearview mirror. I quickly pulled back onto the road before he changed his mind.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006


yesterday, while i was getting her bath ready, lauren had a pooplosion, a really really big one! michael, absent of course, was out picking up our chinese food (yes im on a diet dammit and no chinese isnt really supposed to be part of it). so i lean her back to take off her diaper (in the middle of the living room) and poop squished right out of the back, alot of poop squished out of the back, im talking record breaking amounts. when i realized this i tried to scoot her over out of the puddle of poo (it followed us) and she, never one to pass up an opportunity to make things slightly more difficult, grabbed a hold of the poopy diaper and tried to fling it around. so then i am still holding her by the ankles with one hand trying to scoot her further away from the poop puddle (leaving a poop trail) and grab the soiled diaper with the other hand. by this point the amount of poop covering my beautiful daughter was beyond wiping so i just picked her up out of the poo and plopped her in the bath. so i start scrubbing and about this time i hear michael coming in. (keep in mind i didnt have a chance to clean up the living room) i wanted to warn him so i start screaming from the bathroom "honey lauren had an accident" keep in mind, in the living room floor, there is one large puddle of poo followed by a streak of poo then a large spot of poo, another streak of poo, and one last large spot of poo. he said what kind of accident? "well its in the living room" then i start hearing "oh my god oh my god what the hell oh my god how did this happen" so then i start screaming from the bathroom again "get a picture get a picture" but he just doesnt find the humor in these things nor does he see them as kodak moments like i do so he didnt take a picture he just cleaned it up... so lame! i guess i could draw out a diagram for those of you interested lol

Monday, July 10, 2006

chuck norris

i dont know if i have told you about the white rock apartment karate kid (please say karate like ross if you've seen that episode of friends). this man (a full grown man) dresses up in his full karate gear (last time it was white but today it was the black pajama looking thing) and he goes outside in front of our building and kicks the hell out of some air ass.... i almost peed the first time i saw him doing this. today it was even funnier (only to me- michael just sat on the couch- probably wondering why he married someone significantly less mature than himself) it was funnier because he's out there doing his thing and im trying to look natural standing out on our balcony trying to snap a picture everytime he turned around. i wasnt able to capture a good action shot but at least i have proof!

Sunday, July 09, 2006


So after reading the part in the pamphlet about the moonkiss tan making you appear 5-10lbs lighter i made an appointment to be sprayed. I was feeling anxious the night before because a friend of mine had had a bad experience (and ended up orange) but the lady at the shop assured me that their system was better and I would not look any less than gorgeous so I went ahead with it. As I followed the young skinny attractive teenager back to the spray room I whispered a small prayer that maybe she wasn't the one who would actually be doing the spraying... when we reached the room she informed me that she would be spraying me and I could go ahead and slip into the disposable bikini and she would be right back. I stood there in the small room looking at the package she had just handed me containing my disposable bikini. I immediately noticed the word "thong" on the package. I thought, dear god did the disposable bikini have to be a thong? My shame reached all new levels as she reentered the room and there I stand in all my paper thong bikini wonder... I wanted to scream out "I HAD A BABY THAT'S WHY I LOOK LIKE THIS" but I just smiled and stood there quietly. So she starts spraying and I’m just trying not to think about how she must weigh less than my right leg. We finish up and I am instructed by the young brunette Barbie to stand under the fan for 5 minutes. The bad part about their "better system" is you have to get two applications in the same day. So I head back to the salon at 6pm for a second dose of shame. i am led to the same room by the same small girl and left to don the paper thong bikini. Wonder of wonders, as I am trying to slip my post baby body into the paper thong I break the strap on the top. great... so I let little Barbie girl know when she comes back as I’m standing there just holding the top on to which she just replies "ok." for some reason I really thought they could spare another paper bikini top, guess not. So as I am being airbrushed bronze I am desperately trying to hold on to that last bit of paper bikini top dignity. However at certain points you have to hold your arms out to be sprayed... goodbye small bit of dignity as I watched the paper top float gently to the ground. I just stood there looking at Barbie salon girl wondering exactly how sad/saggy my breastfeeding boobies really look to her. I also thought about what an odd job this must be, airbrushing sad/saggy people in paper thongs all day. Anyway, I stood under the fan for 5 minutes and then gathered my things and took my tan self home.