Boycott Birdhouses!

Today while I was trying to enjoy Lauren’s naptime I realized that I was having to strain to hear the man on Oprah talk about being with 25 partners while out of his mind on crystal meth (extremely captivating for some reason). He was trying to explain the whole situation to Oprah. Apparently, while high, he frequented “bath houses” where “bare backing was the norm.” This of course led to an awkward moment where sweet lil Oprah asked what bare backing was (I cringed and thought surely he wouldn’t explain that on daytime TV, but he sure did). As he explained matter-of-factly that it was anal sex with no condom the look on Oprah’s face was priceless! As I thought to myself, could this get any better??? it sounded like an entire flock of musically inclined birds had taken up residence on our 3’X4’ “porch.” I was instantly annoyed but made no move to investigate since we were in code magenta (over 95 degrees I have labeled as code magenta) and not yet to a commercial break. During code magenta I make no frivolous trips outside. In fact I make no trips outside of the air-conditioned comfort of my crummy apartment unless making a mad dash for my air-conditioned car while trying not to sweat off my prettiness (makeup). So I cranked the television volume up to 40 and tried to peek out of the sliding glass door during commercial breaks. I wish I had a red rider bb gun! I could rock their little worlds from the comfort of my $5 lawn chair (which is inside because we are rarely out of code magenta during normal sitting hours. I now know that I will never own a birdhouse. I am just not one of those types. I think that birds sound annoying (especially in large quantities) and it completely escapes me why someone would want to pay money so that they can attract the annoyingly loud, dirty things to their yard. I think my daughter is going to be screwed up unless I find someone to show her what real girliness is. I think butterflies are disgusting (another epidemic down here right now, what the hell is this place?). I run from them like they are poisonous (making a complete ass of myself and scaring my child). I have never been really into ponies and hearts. I went horseback riding once at summer camp and all I could think about was the fact that I was probably going to have to throw away my favorite pair of tapered levis because I was certain that the smell would never come out. I guess I could just learn to braid and call it good, how damaged could she be just by missing out on a few of the typical girly things?