You might be a bad mother if...

Forget about "You might be a Redneck" I can write this book without references. For instance: you might be a bad mother if you have had to put poison control on speed dial. I am absolutely convinced that my daughter is part goat. She snarls at vegetables but will pop a handful of dirt into her mouth over and over without a second thought. This obvious lack of taste buds is what prompts me to be on the phone with the poison control center at least every other week. I actually considered giving a fake name the last time I called (something totally untraceable like Mandi Melons...)but I think they probably know my voice now. If you run into any of the following save yourself the trouble and call me, I can offer advice if your child ingests Crisco, Vaseline, silica gels (those little packs that say DO NOT EAT all over them), and after last week, Electrasol. Yep, you read that correctly, my daughter sat down for a tasty snack of dishwasher detergent which comes in neatly packaged little cubes complete with a little ball of Jet Dry. As I was busily trying to make dinner for our family and for another family who had just had a baby and Michael was reading the paper, Lauren found an unlatched child safety lock and made herself at home. Now, I'm not trying to point the finger of blame but I think it is obvious that maybe doing selfish things like reading the paper would be best after Lauren is asleep locked safely away in her crib unable to harm herself or anyone else. I mean seriously, you won't find me kicked back reading anything other than Go Dog Go while on duty. Anyway, I'm busy stirring with one hand, washing dishes with the other, opening the oven with my toes, and using my teeth to fold the laundry (that's what it felt like anyway)when I look down I see that Lauren had found and bitten off at least half of an Electrasol tablet. I quickly dropped everything, scooped her up, and started yelling at Michael as I took the sink sprayer thingy to my daughter's mouth. She was probably closer to drowning than actually being poisoned but I was not thinking rationally at that point. I passed our screaming goat child to Michael and placed yet another call to poison control half expecting them to answer "hey April, what did she eat this time?" They were kind and non-judgmental as they calmly explained that she would probably be OK. She is totally OK and maybe it is my imagination but her teeth have been looking really white and definitely spot-free.
P.S. Hey Britney call me, I'll drive over with Lauren on my lap then we can let the kids run around in the street while we get drunk and talk about your new single.

A day in the life of a ballerina...

I dance.

I insist on wearing my ballerina outfit even while running errands so I can stay in "the zone."

I dance some more.

I get irritated when people try to stop me from dancing for a photo op.

I try to give back and share my knowledge with others.

I give mad props to my coach :)